Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
