Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
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Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
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Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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