I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
