the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
