you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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