I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
