You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
