Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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