Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
