All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
