Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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