Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Randomize
