Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
