it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
