Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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