It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
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Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
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I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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