Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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