This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
