Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
