We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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