I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
