I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
