I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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