My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
