I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
