I wish I only lived at night.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
