she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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