I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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