I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
