you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.