dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
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He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
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She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me