I bet he comes in French.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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