I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you will always have a special place in my vag
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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