I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
