Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
