mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
