They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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