yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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