We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
