My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
