you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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