when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
