I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
