Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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