Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
