Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
