Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
