I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
