Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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