For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
