Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
