I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
