Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I deserve this hangover.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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