I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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