he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
