carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize