i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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