Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
