Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
