I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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