Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
