My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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