Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
