hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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