Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
